I have been so naive to think that I am in control.
I almost had myself convinced. But reality surfaces every once in a while and reminds me that not only am I not in control of everything, I am actually in control of nothing. How could I begin to think that I am somebody? In the scheme of this vast, expanding universe, the life of Katie Larkins seems rather insignificant.
I am in crisis. Graduation should be an exciting thing, but I am terrified. I've spent the last four years of my life working toward a piece of paper to frame and put in my future office. I'll have it in 3 weeks and I have nothing else to show for it. Sure, there are plenty of memories and experiences that are personally important but rather useless in the real world. On April 30th my world is going to turn upside down and I'm freaking out! I have to move home, as of right now I can't keep my job, I'm not going straight to a grad program, and I don't even know if I want my career to go the direction that it's headed. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to be truly excited for my friends that have it all figured out because deep down, I'm struggling to avoid being jealous.
And home is different. For the past two and a half years (minus Christmas and spring breaks) my home has been on campus. My parents' house has been a place that I go on weekends or for dinner. It seems more of a place that I visit now than a place that I call home. And I know it is, but it's not the same as it used to be. Nothing in my life is what it used to be.
I am a directionless, soon-to-be jobless, homeless, single twenty-something.
This sucks.
